First entry.
26 April 2020 Sunday PST.
Today, I was really afraid.
Yesterday, I went out of the house to throw the garbage, to buy cigarettes, and to possibly withdraw money from the ATM. But I didn’t tell him that. Because I already know he would get mad.
I wished I just lied about bringing that pouch outside of the house. He didn’t have to know. He was mad because there was no logic behind me bringing that pouch outside, when it can get exposed to the virus.
He was so mad this morning, that he threatened to break this laptop. This laptop isn’t mine, but the office’s. I am so scared.
I wish I could go home and just leave a peaceful and happy life. A life where I don’t need to be scared that someone is gonna burst out of anger at me. A life where I wouldn’t be called useless or worthless by the very person I live with. A life where I wouldn’t have to live with someone who’s depressed, who doesn’t even know how hard it is to live with him.
Today, it’s so hard to remember what he said the other day, so I’m writing it down:
“Please don’t get tired at me. Don’t believe me when I say that I don’t love you, that you’re just an obligation. That is not true. You know how much I’ve already integrated you in my life, that every time I think you’re not going to be here, I already miss you so much…”
“I’m sorry for causing too much chaos. Please don’t take it personally when I get mad. When I’m mad I have no control over what I do, and what I say, I just know that I want it to stop. Whatever it is, I want it to stop. If I can stop it by saying angry words, or being angry, or lashing out, then so be it. If I can stop it by throwing things, or breaking things, then so be it. I just want it to stop.”
What is your limit?
How do you justify things?
How do you know if enough is enough?
What are your boundaries?
I can’t get over the fact that I am so scared today. And I have no one to talk to. Because I’m afraid they’ll judge me. I already judge myself too much.
To those who are experiencing the same things that I do now. I’m not sure whether to tell you to hold on, or stop holding on.
Really, which is better, a life with someone, even if you’re treated like crap? or a life alone, where you can heal and recover and do whatever you want to do in life?
For me, I’m stuck in this loop. I’m stuck relying on a blank piece of canvas as my friend. I can’t even talk to anyone, and it’s starting to feel like I’m in a prison of my own making.
Honestly, I have so much resilience in me, but today, I just feel so damn scared. I don’t know what will happen the moment he wakes up. Is he gonna shout at me? What it’s gonna be today? I’m so scared and I don’t want to find out.
I hope tomorrow will be better.