Slump
I can feel the right type of energy flowing through my veins… I just woke up from a week-long slump and boy does it feel so good. Gone are the days that I question my own skills and integrity, and everything that’s happening to me. Gone are the days that I make excuses for things I cannot achieve. And most importantly, gone are days wherein I feel so annihilated because I can’t seem to get anything right.
My recovery isn’t forced either. Without him this slump I was in would’ve continued for a longer span of time, and I would’ve relied solely on defective tools to stop me from drowning in my own shit. It is amazing how someone who really loves you can understand and recognize your weakest points and knows what to give you, when to give it, and how to give it– even if you never asked for it.
Bad things happen for a reason; for years I have known that the reason why this cycle keeps happening to me was because I needed the downtime so I can recharge. That, or because I believed that when you hit rock bottom, there’s no other way to go but up. I don’t know why I’ve accepted this as a fact in my life, or why I accept most things as facts in my life without feeling the need to question or resist those. All I knew was that sometimes we have to learn to accept the hand that we’re dealt with. We accept those facts as reality, even if we are certain that those are wrong on so many levels. As a matter of fact, the pathognomonic sign that makes me aware that I am in such a slump is when the idea that I hate myself becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: I have a transient memory which means my memory sucks, I hate my personality type (INFJ), I hate my weaknesses, I hate my posture, and I hate feeling that I will never ever have the leverage I need against others. Ugh.
Of course these are all negative thoughts, and like any negative thing this takes me into a downward spiral, and puts me in a dark place and makes me all dark and twisty. These are the times I almost have zero willpower, zero self-preservation instincts, and zero willingness to do any friggin’ thing. That means I do zilch–no music, no books, no TV series, no fun, no nothing. I’m stuck inside my head without any hope of ever going out. The crippling thoughts are in constant loop in my mind, and I let them creep into my being, and then let them diffuse into my heart. So yeah, who else can pull us from this kind of crazy mess except the one person we excruciatingly love? If we’re lucky, that is. The one person who cares enough not to listen to our bullshit and instead give us exactly what we need: help. Help that we fully deserve, because some of us act perfect almost all of the time, except during this one time we allow ourselves to crack and let the tears bleed through the tiny chinks in our armor. The only time we let ourselves succumb to our weaknesses, and the only fucking time we ever allow ourselves to accept defeat and stop fighting.
But we know that ultimately, we are worth it. Because we never imagined that someone would dive so deep just to pull us from this oblivion we are going through, so once we are back in the light, we give back. Tenfold.