Adulting

I’m 32, almost 33.

I feel like I’ve aged 10 years since I was last year. A lot has happened. I left, for 3 days. Then came back.

I came back and somehow a lot has changed. Yes I’ve lost weight. The weight I gained during the pandemic when we were stuck at home, and everything came to light.

Yes, I came back resurfacing that part of myself who needed to be heard, be seen and cared for. It has been a month since that, and it has been a month of growth.

I’m still healing that part of me that was hurt, growing my faith and learning about the next steps to take.

I’m at a new job, a kinda-sorta new-ish relationship where I assert myself, where I am more vocal about what’s right and what’s not, and most importantly, what I need. Sometimes, even what I want.

And now is the time to really understand this—adulting thing.

I gotta manage my finances and my health, and most importantly, my happiness.

I gotta learn how to deal with stress and regulate my emotions.

Most of all I have to stop being an emotional eater.

Among all these things, I don’t know where to start honestly. #

A week after…

“Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God. (1 Peter 4:1-2)”

And now, I just had an epiphany. An epiphany that God has shown me just now. I was trying to resolve with myself the following questions…

1. Why is he doing this to me?
2. Why do I keep hurting when I just want to heal?
3. Will I deal with this heartache for the rest of my life?

And God showed me the answer.

God made me realize that the reason why he was suffering was because he continues to be sinful in his ways. He lied about who he was deep inside. He tricked me into believing he was a one-woman man and that he doesn’t condone cheating. He was though, he was cheating every time he was looking at pictures of other girls. He was sinning every time he lets himself be angry. He was being so…dirty every time he lets the shame of his thoughts bleed into his actions.

He said it himself. He’s trying to be perfect because deep inside, he’s the worst he could ever be. He couldn’t find peace because he throws away his chances every time God speaks to him to correct his ways.

I sinned too. Big time. And that was the last question I asked. How can I not forgive him when I sinned just as he did, and worst?

Now I sort of know the answer to that. I think I am finally at peace, because I think I know my purpose here. My purpose is to wait. To wait for God to use me as an instrument to his Grace. He might realize it one day, or he might not, but God works in wondrous ways.

Starting now, I will try to seek God and follow him. God loves him so much, because despite everything, God gave me to him to make him realize God’s love. We’re not sure about the future, but I finally get it now. I will truly allow God to work in my life, and see his will, and follow it. I think the main lesson is to trust in Him completely. That no matter what I do, I cannot fix things. But what I can only do is… follow Him and obey Him. And find peace in Him. Stop my sinful ways, and truly be good, truly be at peace deep inside. I think that will be the only time I will find peace and true happiness.

So thank you God. For teaching me this lesson. For giving me the patience and the courage to go on with this, knowing that it’s Your will and not mine. I can live at peace knowing that I serve an important purpose for You. And because of that, I am truly grateful.