Compromise.
Before, I refused to be controlled. That might be because for the last 23 years no one ever dared to conquer me or consume me the way he does now. And I get it. I am a stubborn woman; I am also very strong and independent. I have a one-track mind, wherein I do what I think is best for me, and I get excited about planning ahead about my personal goals. Especially recently when I decided that I will always put myself first and that I will never settle. Nor will I ever allow anyone to step on my morals again.
Add that to the fact that I try to always be sure about what I want. After years of uncertainty, I finally gained confidence that I know where I’m going and what specific steps to do to take me there. When I say I know what I want, that means I see not only the big picture, but the smallest of details too. I refuse to allow myself to be vague about anything– whether it be where I want to eat dinner or what I feel exactly or what specific thing I want or demand from life.
So now you see the problem here: learning how to compromise.
As stubborn as I am, I do want to be controlled. I do want to be taken cared of. And I do want to be put to my place.
I am sorting things out with myself, and that is the precise reason why I’m writing this.
Saying you commit to someone and actually committing are two different things. Who I am is in conflict of what he wants for both of us and my mind is confused on how to deal with this rationally. Sometimes I don’t even get what is it that he wants unless he specifically tells me so. Is a relationship really supposed to be like this? I just realized that I don’t have a clue.
Here’s a new list– one about what I think I should give to make this work. And I do want this to work, badly.
- He wants to be a part of my goals.
This is hard for me. Very, very hard. Because it requires complete trust in order for me to finally let go of my personal goals. I now realize that this one of my biggest struggles because honestly, I don’t trust him fully yet. I was serious when I told him I have trust issues– that is definitely a BIG thing for me. Giving up my goals means depending on him fully, and I have this anxiety that I can’t wrap my head around it yet. I am also afraid that he does not realize the profoundness of what I’m offering here…and that scares me the most. For him to not understand what my TRUST entails is to see my whole world come crashing down on me. As my motto goes, trust is earned, not blindly given.
The solution: have faith. If all else fails, I have God. Everything will be okay.
- I should try harder to understand him.
I wouldn’t be writing this if it isn’t important, so really, I SHOULD TRY. Sometimes I can feel my mind closing in on me, telling me that I won’t accept any rational information, and my heart is just blazing with obstination and rebellion. Worst is that I feel he isn’t trying to understand me as well, and it is on me to back down, stay focused and not stray from being the analytic one. Which is another crazy struggle for me but damn if I wouldn’t give my all to overcome it.
The solution: I am proud to be the troubleshooter, and one of our best dynamics is that everything will be fine if I just sort things out the way I fine-tune any other problem I encounter. This is a challenge I readily accept because I know I will go a long way if I become excellent at it. So yeah, if I lose my cool, then it’s game over.
- Let him in.
The most overwhelming of all– but something I think I could allow, in time. It takes willpower and austerity to actually let this happen, primarily because of an adamant sense of self-preservation. But letting him in doesn’t necessarily mean I would totally let myself go. This is probably why I fear it so much…to lose myself means to lose control. To lose control means to lose certainty that everything will be alright. It might eventually turn out to be a good thing, if not now then maybe later on.
The solution: take risks. Live a little. Risks are scary but they make us headstrong. The bigger the risk, the higher the gain. I am terrified to fall hard and lose everything, but I know that in the end all that matters is that I gave it my all.
If there’s anything I gained from all of these, it’s that there are two things that remain clear and true: I love him and I can never forgive myself if I lose him.