Rock Bottom.
This is probably the most times in my life that I have sunken rock bottom. I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve tried to rise up only to be pulled down under by my emotions over and over again. The truth is, I’ve always been an emotional mess; I’m a sucker for feelings–I thrive in them, dwell in them, hell, even try to revel in them. And I didn’t really figure out why, except now, I guess.
If I think about why I really failed, I guess it was because I let my emotions rule me. Ahh, the bliss of not having to deal with any of this emotional crap. They are right: we have to choose our own battles.
And I’m choosing to fight this one.
I am choosing to rise up once more, and create a system that is consistent and reliable. One that wouldn’t fail, and one that is untouchable by any emotion. The only way to master my body is to master my emotions, and I feel so sick and out of control and I’m so sick of feeling out of control all the time.
On the bright side of things, I did just overcome others’ expectations of me. My boyfriend thought me how to fight for what I really want, because he trusts that I can survive better if I really let my passion win.
And now, the next thing I should overcome is my diet problem. Here are some facts:
- I think about food all of the time, probably because I’m bored, or I’m stress eating.
- Every time I exercise hard, I start gaining a sense of control, thereby ensuring I won’t eat anything BAD for the next, say, eight hours.
- It feels like I am forced to eat unhealthily for breakfast, but really no one is forcing me to. These are just habits that are hard to break, and I don’t acknowledge my triggers early enough that I might be able to replace them.