Dammit, I almost made it.

Yesterday was supposed to be the first of day of the rest of my life. Sunday was supposed to be a rest day, the day I eat everything and do nothing - then follow it up with a Monday of intermittent fasting and interval training. It’s weird how sometimes, you plan everything inside your head, only to catch yourself obsessing over doing it or not doing it. Either way you’re screwed, because you already had everything planned out but doing all of it exactly as it is makes you freak out and end up not doing anything.

I did freak out. And guess what, it was an enlightening experience. Somehow, going through thoughts of waking up at quarter to five the next morning only to wake up 3 hours earlier and not knowing what to do with shit seems to freak out the crap out of me.

That, and also thinking about how I would survive 24 hours without eating anything scares the crap of me too.

So yeah, I freaked out. And I’m also done hearing my mind today thinking wildly rebellious thoughts such as, “Should I really be f***** doing this thing?” or “What will I f***** gain out of this?” or worse, “Is any of this worth it?”

I almost never wrote about this terrible day, knowing that I will never read this again anyways since the next day I’d write about something completely different, or I would not even remember how my conscience was so terrible at nagging it didn’t even faze my solid background of “breaking up” all that I promised to myself. What the hell is wrong with me? Why wouldn’t I follow through with any of my plans? Do I get off in completely sabotaging myself?

Just to spite myself, I did write down about it. Right here. Where it can freakin’ remind me exactly why I started this stuff. Where it can remind me one day when I feel happy and gooey that I once felt so frustrated with myself I wanted to tear the smug, lazy personality inside my brain and just shout my lungs out at it. Too much cussing, I know. But one day it will be my anchor. It will be something that will hold my heart to the ground and make me realize that all the best things in life are earned and not given.

Now that I’ve gotten all the crazy rebellion and stubbornness out of my system, I will kill that workout, and eat healthy for the rest day.

While not beating the crap out of myself.

I am not weak. I simply refuse to let one day of relapse bite me in the butt and push me to the ground. I will fight this smartly, and I will win.