What is going on?
Here I am months later, still at the very first place where I started: square one. It is quickly becoming a cycle, and I don’t like it one bit.
There are things I think I like to do but don’t want to, and there are things I think I need to do but can’t seem to start to do so. Sometimes I don’t even believe myself anymore, and I don’t like hearing my thoughts about that either.
Anyway, it seems to me that “I” myself don’t really matter to me. It’s the other people that does. I think that family really matters, and the thought that they love me, respect me, and adore me is one of the greatest things I’ll ever have.
I am once again suspended in this dark place, where I am being threatened to be devoured by my own personal weaknesses. What I think I want and what I actually do are two different things, and it hurts me to know that I don’t trust myself.
I want to wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed. How many times did I tell myself, “this has got to stop”? Countless times, I know, but I also know that I have reason to believe that I will always conquer it. I just have to think about what really anchors me in life, and subconsciously I know what or who those are, I just need to spell them out for myself.
God anchors me. Believing in Him makes me worthy as a person. He gives me purpose and meaning - this might sound like an opportunity for non-believers to snort at me, but I do know this is the only thing I have that won’t be taken away from me. Faith. In Him, thus faith in life. And the world. It is complicated but I know that holding on to this faith will be the only thing that can save me. From the depths of hell and for my own sanity.
My family is part of this anchor. They remind me that bad things cannot be easily forgotten, that life is not easy, but we need to persevere. They remind me that we can be happy in life despite everything. They remind me that I am not alone, and I’ll have them no matter what.
For me, these two are the most important things and they should be enough to keep me going in life.
I can do this - as soon as I restart my system today. I definitely can.