Do things with vigor, deliberately and with intention

Fucking finally.

A lot of changes have occured since the start of ‘19.

It is mostly because I have learned the hard way…
If I talk too much.
If I don’t think before I speak.
If I don’t acknowledge my mistakes and my incompetencies.
If I don’t suck it up and git gud.

I need this– somewhere to write about what happened, which I can go back to read and check what I’ve already done, so that I become more efficient in solving my life.

It all started with Mac, really. Unbelievable. He pushed me like no one else did. He is this complicated fucking puzzle that I might never really figure out, but it’s the most exciting challenge I ever faced in my life.

He had it bad. He really did. He’s freaking dying. His family abandoned him. His father is a crazy narcissist, and gives me the creeps if I think of us even just seeing him again.

This gave me the real push I needed out life. I started accepting the reality that life is not all candies and rainbows.

From the start if this year, things are finally sharpening into focus. I get it now.
My values.
What do I want to do.
How I can be the best possible counselor I can ever be.

But I would be stuck if I don’t think about all these things. Knowing what I know about myself now, I would forget everything and go back to the dizzying spiral that is my life.

Unacceptable.

I am rejuvenated now.

Last night was crucial. I hurt him. I hurt him by admitting I neglected everything about him, about us. I admitted that I lied when I promised my weight would budge and lose at least 2 pounds in 3 months. And it never happened.

But I am awake now. I have been getting better at critical thinking, at processing things, at purposefully speaking. Yes, I’m still an energy ball, but I’m working on it.
I’ve went cold turkey for three days now. Coffee and cigarettes are the only things that would sustain for who knows how long. I’ve dropped the rice, the other carbs, and even eat only once or twice a day now.

I think this makes perfect sense. Mac keeps talking about clutch moments, trying to inspire me and make me aware of where he’s coming from. Conversations with him are getting boring, except when it has something to do with my life project– the project of being in control.

He made sure that I improve on being more assertive. He made sure that I know what to focus to, if i can take the time to remember it. He made sure that he’s gonna be there for me, if I’m gonna be there for him and actually do all the things I set out to do.

I’m glad that the first thing I thought about was, “what am I gonna to today again?”
No reason to be excited, but every moment is an opportunity. An opportunity to have mind space not to think if I’m gonna buy that food or not. A chance to prove that I am stronger even if I have weaknesses, and that there’s no excuse to anything. I just have to effing do it.

Emotions? Actually I’m fine.
Career? Busy, but I’m okay. Quite happy even.
Finances? Almost there, but I’ll never stop improving.
Being honest? I’m working on it.

Being unapologetic about the things I do, so long I have complete and utmost confidence about it, is the way to go.

I will never stop trying! I will not. I promise. But now, when I try, I’m gonna fucking make sure that my efforts are gonna be amazing and I will give it everything I got, every. Fucking. Time.

So how will I sustain this? Is this because of guilt? No. It’s because I am at the cusp of looking at cold turkey and weight loss from an extrinsic to intrinsic motivation perspective.

So yes. I am going to win this. It excites me that this is challenging me in ways I never have imagined, and I am gonna give it the love it deserves. Fuck that shit.