Sometimes we never learn.

I set my sights on someone.
I start thinking about how everything would be perfect between us.
I wait for him to text me, and be happy when he does.
When he doesn’t text me, I wait for a while.
When he still doesn’t text me, I text him.
And then I wait for his response.
Then I tell myself not to wait for his response, why even bother, he’s probably not as perfect for me as I thought, somebody who really likes me would reply to my texts, or would actually take time to text me, blah blah blah.

And then I distract myself, try not to look at my phone, or try to forget my phone altogether. And then even after hours of distraction, I would go back to it and peek, and if there’s still no text, I slowly sink into sadness, a.k.a. rejection mode, where I start to question my own self.

There are two questions that I want to slap myself with:

1. Why do I f****** bother?
2. Why can’t I be a cool bitch and not care for a guy who obviously doesn’t care about me?

Well honestly, I try to tell myself I’m fine with being single, but in reality, I’m a bit sad that I don’t have someone to love. It’s not really shocking though, people kill for these things. People go crazy over love. Girls go bat-shit crazy over guys, and maybe some guys go gaga over girls too.

In my head, I’m screaming, “I want a boyfriend right now, why can’t you just give me one?” Then I go pacify myself and think that it’s probably for the best…

Hey, my superego is probably correct. Maybe I should take it slow. Maybe I’m not ready for constant hurting. Maybe emptiness is the lesser evil. But f*** it, my stubborn mind is telling me that alone=lonely, and it thinks that having ‘someone’ will change that.

I am definitely being increasingly frustrated. Of what, I am not entirely sure. If there’s one thing I learned from a friend, it’s that whatever frustrates me usually can be analyzed technically, so let’s do exactly that:

1. I am annoyed that he didn’t reply to my text.
   -This means I did not get what I wanted. My id does not like him right now.
   But, does it mean I should stop whatever it is I’m feeling for him? Or should I just consider the possibility that he’s not into me, so I should take the hint and move on?

2. Why am I feeling something for him when I haven’t even met him yet?
   -Because I think he is perfect for me, therefore what the heck is he waiting for? [just a side note for later: it’s one thing to assume. So just chill, ayt?]

3. I am overly curious about what he thinks about me, and if he doesn’t like me, I don’t think my mind can rest peacefully with “what ifs.”
   -Then stop thinking about it altogether. Nobody should be allowed to ruin all the good things I have established for myself these last few months.

4. Will I be okay?
   Of course I will be. This is a bad habit I have always wanted to change, therefore this is a priority and I should take action immediately - specific action steps will be taken, i.e., focusing on self-improvement rather than wasting my time doing anything for him or for anybody.

Sometimes selfishness is not a bad thing. Sometimes it can save you from your own sanity. So yeah, I am fine, and tomorrow will be a happier day.
I will recognize my triggers, and do replacement habits. I can do this. I will do this. :)