What is true freedom?

It was the night that everything changed for me. If only things were right… If only I had no trouble with my metabolism, my episodic laziness and boredom, my slump. My life has been a major clusterfuck recently, what with all the debts and the binge eating and overspending, plus the constant smoking and neverending cycle of feeling hopeless, angry, frustrated then bliss. Just that pure “ignore everything” feeling, trying to summon all the energy that’s left to wake up another day and fight again. No wonder some people just get tired for all the things that are happening.
So where am I now? Back to square one, of course. Sometimes I wish I could just skip all the trouble and just be the perfect ideal human being everybody thinks I am. Now, I’m just nothing, a train wreck waiting to happen. I’m constantly late at places now, I don’t give a rat’s ass to anything that has been happening to me lately. I’m constantly thinking at night, imagining how I wish tomorrow would be a different day entirely. But the cycle never stops. I go to bed sad, then wake up struggling to keep up appearances. Pretending that I am top of everything, but the truth is, I’m not okay. I’m just so tired. Maybe I’m so sick inside, but I ignore that too. I haven’t been alone with my thoughts for a while, and it hurts. It hurts to think that I constantly have to look for money, taking side jobs and looking for loan options. I constantly question why do I have to do everything. Even the thought of taking care of my own self feels so tiresome to me.
Priorities, priorities. They’re all a blur now. There is nothing clear about my life anymore. My career? Major clusterfuck. My health? Even worse. And my relationships are falling apart.
So now I sit here, thinking if I have one more shot to get my true freedom. What’s that for me, you ask. Well, same as before, but not entirely. I plan everything today, then tomorrow I wake up late and everything I planned spins down the drain. No more rice? Coffee? Smoke? It feels good to think about it now, but the truth is my tomorrow will never be perfectly executed as planned.
Just last night, I was thinking how perfect my life is. I live in a condo, I am smoking from my bedroom window, I have a boyfriend and my dream job, and I am finally learning how to drive. But still, I’m incomplete. I feel an empty void inside me and I know the only one who could fill it but somehow I ignore Him too. Why make things complicated, no? If I decide to, I can just switch from being like this to being my dream person. Someone said, I should be mature. I felt like I have been acting mature for the longest time, but maybe I should accept that in reality I’m just lazy. No, I am not beating myself up this night, just stating facts. Is it motivation? Part of it is, I think. I really haven’t done anything hard in my life, and the main reason is that I refuse to believe that things will become easier at the end of you put all the hard work now. But I have found a tiniest bit of inspiration today… I revisited the idea that things would indeed work out if you put a lot of work in it; at least that is true for money and for staying thin. So what’s stopping me, really?
I don’t actually know the answer to that. Maybe I should take life more seriously, but I don’t know. I have had a realization with “rules” lately, that they are fake and that if I don’t follow them, nobody will really suffer except for me.
So here’s the deal. I’m tired with myself, seating here feeling my fat stomach and having a hard time carrying my weight on my ass. True freedom, I guess, is if I just give in to these rules and follow them, for Christ’s sake. I could decide to sleep early now then wake up early tomorrow, maybe try to swim laps and then cook breakfast afterwards. I would finally just ride with the cheaper option in going to work tomorrow and start work early as well. If there is one thing I will decide on for tomorrow, it’s that I will try my best to hold on to everything that’s good. No more negative thinking, no more taking in or doing anything that I know is bad for me–carbs, smoke, and overspending. I would try, for once, to just do things that would make me happy: cooking real food, long showers, being productive at work, and not pissing off anyone. This way I can get to my zone, and the stress will never get to me because finally, I’m doing things right and I’m taking action.