28 April 2020 Tuesday

Slept to complaints.
Woke up to a call from our PlayStation Console Courier, which was being delivered to replace our busted one.
Immediately followed by the Water delivery guy, which I botched:
Went around in circles at least three times - got my mask but failed to get him a mask and t-shirt, which made him shout angrily at me so I can quickly get it for him.
I did average on the prep - I was able to gather materials for cleaning but failed to sweep the area first prior to mopping it.
This virus is killing me. Even if I’m not exposed to it.

I am hypersensitive. I know that. I get whiplash from him alternating from hot and cold. Me, I can’t be like that. Either I like you or I don’t.

And I realize I’m starting to like him less and less.
What do I really get from this relationship?
I don’t even know now.
But still, I’m staying. Because I have nowhere to go.

We...

27 April 2020 Monday

When he woke, it was business as usual.
We spoke about the news, the events that happened in the gaming world, and whatnot.
I stayed vigilant, trying to filter things that I would say that wouldn’t trigger him or make him mad.
Yesterday I had finished a ton of work, and now I have time. I still have a lot to do, but now these things are something that I actually enjoy doing.

He complained about difficulty breathing. His sides hurt, his hips hurt, his digestive system is not too healthy.

I tried to show concern, by touching him and soothing him, and this was how I showed my care.

Today, he is gonna wake up, ask for food, watch some news, and play some games. I will be watching him play some games and play it with him too.

He woke up.
I gotta scoot. Till tomorrow.

26 April 2020 Sunday PST.

Today, I was really afraid.
Yesterday, I went out of the house to throw the garbage, to buy cigarettes, and to possibly withdraw money from the ATM. But I didn’t tell him that. Because I already know he would get mad.
I wished I just lied about bringing that pouch outside of the house. He didn’t have to know. He was mad because there was no logic behind me bringing that pouch outside, when it can get exposed to the virus.

He was so mad this morning, that he threatened to break this laptop. This laptop isn’t mine, but the office’s. I am so scared.

I wish I could go home and just leave a peaceful and happy life. A life where I don’t need to be scared that someone is gonna burst out of anger at me. A life where I wouldn’t be called useless or worthless by the very person I live with. A life where I wouldn’t have to live with someone who’s depressed, who doesn’t...

Why is this different from before?
I’m taking time to be honest with what I’ve experienced today, and how I’m gonna do it even better tomorrow.

Day 4 of going cold turkey. And I’ve done it!
I drank my lemon first thing, had coffee, some leftover fish from last night’s dinner, and some steamed pork dumpling. That’s it. Amazing. I ate only once today. I knew there was gonna be all these temptations in the cafeteria, we’ll be having a send-off party for MJ, and there’s gonna be cake. And I persevered!

Tomorrow there’s nothing eventful, except I’ll be coming in at the office earlier. This is because I’ve spent more than three hours just to get home today, even if I went out at 5. So tomorrow and, hopefully… Scratch that. Definitely, I will be coming to work earlier and leaving work at 4. I want to save my energy for things that matter, and I want to lessen my travel time. I’m will not be...

Fucking finally.

A lot of changes have occured since the start of ‘19.

It is mostly because I have learned the hard way…
If I talk too much.
If I don’t think before I speak.
If I don’t acknowledge my mistakes and my incompetencies.
If I don’t suck it up and git gud.

I need this– somewhere to write about what happened, which I can go back to read and check what I’ve already done, so that I become more efficient in solving my life.

It all started with Mac, really. Unbelievable. He pushed me like no one else did. He is this complicated fucking puzzle that I might never really figure out, but it’s the most exciting challenge I ever faced in my life.

He had it bad. He really did. He’s freaking dying. His family abandoned him. His father is a crazy narcissist, and gives me the creeps if I think of us even just seeing him again.

This gave me the real push I needed out life. I started...

I stopped caring. For my life.
Everything got so fucking convoluted and overwhelming. So, how do I manage to push through despite everything?
I need to step back from this exhausting state, so that I can push through. And I will.

But give me a fucking break.

I’m dead tired.
Of problems.
I guess in this lifetime, I can’t be allowed to be happy.
I want to sleep and never wake up.
I want to stay away for a while, and perhaps never come back.
I want to start anew somewhere, where I can stop being, stop fighting.

This is probably the most times in my life that I have sunken rock bottom. I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve tried to rise up only to be pulled down under by my emotions over and over again. The truth is, I’ve always been an emotional mess; I’m a sucker for feelings–I thrive in them, dwell in them, hell, even try to revel in them. And I didn’t really figure out why, except now, I guess.

If I think about why I really failed, I guess it was because I let my emotions rule me. Ahh, the bliss of not having to deal with any of this emotional crap. They are right: we have to choose our own battles.
And I’m choosing to fight this one.

I am choosing to rise up once more, and create a system that is consistent and reliable. One that wouldn’t fail, and one that is untouchable by any emotion. The only way to master my body is to master my emotions, and I feel so sick and out of control and...

I have a goal.
At this point nothing works, and I have lost it. I couldn’t seem to get off that 135 to 140 weight. I wanted to go lower, but I can’t. I have tried setting up habits but… haven’t fully dedicated myself to it yet. My doctor is right, I need to mature. As in now. So in the spirit of being mature, today will commence the no-go training, Paleo style. I only have to remember to train. So yeah, don’t worry about problems that don’t need worrying…
What do I do with all the stuff I bought? Take it home one by one. The food that is there now? Eat only the “Go” Foods. If he catches me at a bad time? Be strong. But work at it as soon as possible. What will you do about your life right now? Maybe that is the real question I need to ask. So right now? I will exercise at 5 o'clock, do a level 4 toning routine. And then I will eat after workout. I will eat the pork sparerib and one...